Useless-too-darn-long-rant:

You know that connection that you have when you develop relationships with certain people? and how you actually live off that connection since really in the end we are all humans who need and desire that type of deep connection. Lately I’ve felt more drained and frustrated, its catching up with me is what you can say. I used to try to make deep connections but how deep can you make a connection when knowing that in a couple months you won’t really talk or hangout as much because you don’t have the classes together or the time schedule doesn’t work out or just simply you don’t have the time anymore.  Then all that effort starts to fade away and you feel the need to still connect so you make new connections. but that just leads again to a disappearing effect. thats when i realize i don’t want to keep feeling kind of sad and disconnected and maybe its better to not make that connection since in the end they won’t be there to fulfill it.  I have made great connections with a good friend and my sister and maybe thats why lately I keep missing home.  Its not that I’m a baby and need to go back home, its just that the only people who understand me completely and I can be however I want to be around them are 100 miles away.  I don’t want to face these problems or have anyone see that this is how I keep feeling so whats a better way than to just act stupid, superficial and flighty.  Everyone sees from first glance that you’re happy, giddy, kind of dumb and don’t plan on establishing anything serious and they don’t question or conflict your ideas because who wants to take their time and effort when theres so many other things to do. Its the best defense tactic that I’ve ever discovered really.  No one bothers you and you don’t have to face the reality that you’re craving that attention and connection that you know of so well, only thats far away.  You get worn out trying to just not care.  I’m progressing educationally here, but really I feel like I’m going nowhere.  I can’t share a lot since I just feel uncomfortable being sincerely me around people that I’ve just met.  I guess its alway been that shy side of mine that rarely sticks its head out.  Im not supposed to be shy remember, its college.  I guess I’m just looking for something stable in this part of life while I’m away from anything comfortable, something that wont be here and gone the next day. Those acquaintances are great and those memories that come with those encounters are fun but I just need something a little more solid. I think Gary Jules said it perfectly “all around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.  Bright and early for the daily races, going nowhere.”  Well theres my ranting vent. 

I really really hope noone reads this.  I just find comfort in putting this huge cloud bubble of chaotic thoughts to rest in paper. Some sort of electronic paper.